I ran today.

I ran today and I feel fucking bomb.  That’s two days in a row about 30 mins a day.  Not bad!  Pretty damn proud of myself.  If anything helps my anxiety it’s running.  It’s the best cure I’ve found.

I’ve tried meds and yoga and deep breathing and meditation and nothing helps like running.

I’m going to get a full runners outfit one of these days. Some winter running clothes would be bomb!  I love running in the briskness of the morning when the wind bites at your skin but you’re sweating and cozy on the inside.  The breath full and alive with fresh air and loveliness.

Not sure what I’ll need for winter running but I’m sure there’s something.  Gonna do some research on that now…….

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Simple.

fear of failing

I’m afraid of failing.  I have little else to say but this.  I’m afraid of failing.

Am I gonna let it stop me?

Probably not.

But the fear is there.  And it scares me.

So Hello fear.  Hello fear of failure. So we meet again.

Confessing that part of me truly helps.

School.

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I’m starting another class this week after finishing my cna program this summer.  I’ve been working for about two months now with a full time paycheck.  That’s lovely and all but I miss school.  I love school.  I love to learn so I’m taking a five credit math course so I can apply to lpn school this january.  I leave in two hours.  On my way to the bookstore to find out what book I need and grab a notebook or two.  I already have the calculator.  🙂

I saw my health career advisor Molly last week.  She said I could take this course and apply in january.  At first I was hesitant because I really like having money at this point but as the week set in I realized nows the time to do it.  So I signed up for the twelve week course a day before it started.

I’m excited again about my path.  I’m not  waiting for the rn program because I have a lot of credits to finish to even apply.  And if I don’t get in I’ll be kicking myself that I didn’t apply this January just to see what would happen.  Lpn to rn bridge sounds less daunting than rn. Not that I couldn’t handle the commitment of two years but the fear of the social aspect of it all is daunting.  What if I got in and I couldn’t handle it for that long?  What if I wanted to quit because I was so anxious everyday about the social shit.  Sucks living like that.  In fear of social situations but it is what it is.  It’s the way my brain works.  I hope that someday as a nurse I’ll be able to help someone with mental health issues or just general anxiety about starting something new.  I’m grateful for my path and all the people I’ve been with through this journey.  The ones that pushed me to my limits and taught me what I am made of.  And for myself I am grateful I am here.  Taking this journey I never thought I’d be on.  I never thought I’d want to be a nurse or anything of the sort.  Maybe a therapist but not a nurse.  I have so many options in front of me.  I’m glad to be settling on a goal.  Lpn.  Lpn rn bridge.  Bsn.  Msn.  To each their own.  This is the path I’ve chosen.  Broken down into little steps.  Into little bits of accomplishment.  One at a time.  🙂

I hope you all have a lovely day as I settle into part time school again.  God I love change!

Guilt.

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I feel so guilty for being “lazy.” But am I lazy or am I just exhausted from transitioning to working full time from going to school full time.  My job is physically and emotionally intense.

I lift and move people double my weight for much of my day.  Pushing them from one side of the facility to the other four times a day.  I wonder how many miles I clock on my feet on a normal day at work. 

And like I’ve said before, I’m an introvert.   Being a CNA isn’t necessarily an extroverts job but it is a job that extroverts would excell at.  There’s a lot of patient contact and contact with the nurses and other staff in the facility every day so it is a stretch socially and emotionally.

I have never worked forty hours a week before.  36 hours as a hairstylist was full time and sometimes (sometimes!…) as busy as a day at the nursing home.  Not as fulfilling as the nursing home though.

I never loved my job of cutting hair.  I was good at it.  One of the best in the salons I’ve worked in and I had quite a following of people who liked the way I cut their hair but an introvert in such an extrovert position was incredibly exhausting.  I always said I loved the act of cutting hair.  I love the geometry of it and the creativity.  I loved seeing the end product of what I created.  It was the people that were exhausting and the need to always be “on.”  I’m not naturally talkative.  I like to listen and I do talk a lot with a certain few people but I enjoy doing what I need to do on my own.  It helps me focus and know that I’m doing what I’m doing right.  Being a hairstylist is multitasking.  Creating beautiful hair and making the client feel important and beautiful.  The latter being a stretch for me.

The healthcare field is similar in that we have “clients” and daily interactions with our clients and coworkers but it’s a different type of interaction.  I’m there to help them.  To make them feel comfortablewhich is far easier than making someone feel beautiful who doesnt already.

Now back to my guilt trip.  I feel guilty for lazing around in bed while I’m not at work.  I went to the grocery store (a short trip for donuts and milk lol) and cleaned a little today but I crave that motivation I had 3 months ago.  That motivation to feel the burn and numbness of my legs after hitting the pavement running.

I’m changing a lot of things in my life.  The first being the full time job.  Second  being quitting smoking and third eating better and running on a daily basis.  All of which will make me feel better about myself and give me more energy to enjoy my life and the benefits of working full time…..a paycheck!

So guilt…..you can go away now.  My body needs rest and time to settle in. Im taking some space to flounder so I can find my footing on the motivation train again soon.  I just need some time to adjust. 🙂

INFP.

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This is what I am.  Or at least that’s what the Myer’s Brigg’s personality test says I am.  I’m introverted, creative, hard to get to know and loyal to a fault.  I’m the “healer” of the bunch, the “idealist.”  I love taking care of people and making sense of things.  I live inside my mind figuring out ways to make the world a better place.

This definition of myself has been a bit of an obsession as I start my transition into the Healthcare field.  I know that I want to be a nurse.  I’m beginning to know what departments I don’t want to work in and some that I might.  I’ve done research on nursing positions for the introverted and for INFP’S in particular.  It’s a bonefeid obsession.

One in which is becoming more detrimental than helpful.  I have sat for hours wondering how I will manage the social demands of nursing and how I will find out what position is right for me.  I’ve been analyzing it from all directions trying to predict the future and explain the present.  It’s exhausting. “enough is enough.”  “Let it be what will be.”  “Figure it out as it comes.”  “fuck it!”  Just fuck it.  Stop analyzing and hypothesizing.

I know myself.  I know what I like.  I know what I want to do.  I know what’s important to me. 

I know that nursing is the route I want to go.  Ive tried it all.  Ive thought about it all.  Given it all a chance.  I’m in the right space and going the right direction.  I need to play with it now.  Enjoy the process. 

That’s what I’m going to do.

I picked up my anatomy book from my brother’s house a couple days ago.  I’m going to put my attention onto that.  I miss school.  I miss learning book stuff.  I know my current obsession is depleting my energy. So………..

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                         ……anatomy and physiology here I come!!!!!!!!!

General thoughts.

I was researching career possibilities for nurses the other day and fell in love with holistic health nursing or community nursing….something with a cause.  I had just taken the myers Briggs personality test and came out as an infp.  Introvert.  Surprise!  Ya.  No surprise here.  I love being alone.  I love the casual get together but very infrequently.  I would much rather chill at home or go on a goodwill shopping date with myself for a couple hours than go to a wild party and do ridiculous things I would feel shitty about the next day.  I’m just that way.  There’s no moving around it.  I am who I am.

After reading a bit about infp’s I realized it was so much of who I am.  I do have some extraverted tendencies but I think most, if not all introverts have them on occasion.  The career paths for infp’s consisted of artists, painters,writers, musicians…all things creative.  I  am definitely creative but don’t want to make my creativity a job.  It takes the fun out of it for me.  Psychology, psychiatry, counseling, and social work were all on the list too.  Infp’s like to help people and like to know they’re making a difference in the world whether recognized or not but preferably recognized.  I have to feel it in my heart and soul to feel fulfillment in any position.  I’m a passionate person and figure things out visually.  I’m a quick learner and love to know im doing something right.  I’m a bit of a perfectionist which makes me very aware of the details and I am VERY in touch with people’s feelings.  To the point that sometimes I can’t separate my own feelings with someone elses.

Nursing seems like the perfect career and with all the possibilities after some education, I know that I’ve found it!  I’ve found my gold!  🙂  now it’s just a matter of finding my niche.  It’ll be something of a game.  A sort of checklist in my mind to try them all until the right one just fits.  Kind of like dating lol but ill get paid for it!  Even better!  When I find the shoe that fits, I wear the hell out of it!

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and maybe a tattoo like this one of these days on my left arm to fully complete my half-sleeve.  🙂

Scrubs review for the tall and skinny.

I’ve never been a fan of those printed scrub tops that you see in the doctors offices.  You know the ones…..cartoon characters or cornucopia around thanksgiving…….cheesy!!!!! I don’t like patterns on my clothes and I sure as shit don’t like patterns on my scrubs.  So I wasn’t excited about the thought of wearing scrubs but yes. I know they’re comfortable.  I found them I’ll fitting and ugly from my limited experience with them in the past.  I broke my femur in 8th grade and loved in a pair of purple scrub pants for weeks.  They were huge.  Easy to get on and off but huge and short and baggy at the top, tight at the bottom.  I’m stick-figured or more accurately, boy – figured and tall.  Very tall.  Six foot.

So I went on a hunt.  First on the Internet then in person.  I found rave reviews for the Grey’s Anatomy scrubs and a girl in my clinicals had a set that fit her well.  I knew I was still up for a challenge because of my less than normal body type.  She was average build, average height, maybe on the short side so no problem for her to find a shirt long enough and small enough for her average width shoulders.
I made my way to the local nurse uniform store and I was pleasantly surprised. I found a few styles that fit my thin body, wide shoulders and long torsos and lo and behold!!!! They carry tall in pants.  I settle on a unisex Cherokee top with three pockets in an extra extra small and a peaches cargo scrub pant in xsmall tall.  I put the order in.  Two shirts and one pair of pants.  I had a five dollar off coupon which made the total 67 dollars.  Not bad for all that I got!  And I actually feel cute in them.  I would definitely wear the pants outside of work.  I’ve been thinking about getting them in different colors so I can do just that.  They’d look mighty fine tucked into a pair of combat boots or my beloved green “Peter pan” boots by Nine West.  I’ll eventually get to uploading pictures but thus far, I’m doing only words.  It’s my outlet,my journal of life.

Week three.

I’m into week three of my CNA position at an LTC facility near my home.  Driving time….5 mins.  3 breaks.  One thirty minute lunch.  Two twenty minute smoke breaks.  8 hours.  5:30-2:00.  Not bad for a newbie.

this is my first full time job ever (I’m 31).  I was a hairstylist for 11 years.  Full time for a hairstylist is anywhere from 32-37 hours, and that is what I worked.  I’m feeling the flow of the job and even noticing some moments throughout the day where I have “nothing” to do.  I mean “nothing”  because there’s always something to do.  I had every intention today to wipe down three wheel chairs that gross me out when I use them.  One being from a woman who isn’t completely coherent and cries all the time.  The one thing that puts a smile on her face is her baby.  It’s a little doll that she holds in her arms so carefully.  She looks down on it like a mother and her child.  She doesn’t eat.  She’s very thin and wiry and I really feel for her.  I wonder what it’s like inside her mind.  I wonder if she has any memories of her life or if all of those are gone.

I have another resident (friend), I have become very close to.  She was overweight when she entered the facility and after multiple health problems has lost all her weight.  What’s left of her is a lot of sagging skin.  She’s is a beautiful woman.  Winy, particular with a wicked sense of humor.  She knows I struggle moving her from one side to another so she makes jabs at it and turns it into a joke.  I asked her where she wanted me to put her call light.  She said, “I know where you can put it.  UP YOUR ASS!”  I laughed because i knew she was only partially kidding.  She makes fun of herself for pooping so much.  I make fun of myself for not being able to push her to one side fluidly.  We laugh at ourselves and we laugh at each other and we know when our jokes are taken too personal, we back off and tell each other, we love the other.

Another resident reminds me of my Grandmother but a wee bit snappier.  My grandma laughs when she doesn’t understand things because of the Alzheimer’s.  This lady gets snappy and condescending.  They both share a full head of beautiful white hair, dentures and glasses.  They are similar builds and both tall for being women of their age.  My resident in particular, plays with her poop.  When I’ve woken her from her slumber, I will have found poop everywhere.  In her hair, her fingernails, and all over her bed clothes.

I know my residents.  I know mostly what they need and what I need to do for them.  I am just now finding this flow in my job on the 400 hall of my unnamed LTC.  They are all heavily dependent.  None of them walk.  Most of them are completely bedridden.

I know what’s expected of me.

I was having a grand old day doing what I knew to do with every intention of finding an hour to hose down a couple wheelchairs then Jenna (shift coordinator) comes up to me and says you’re on 300……..I’ve never been on 300.  I don’t know the CNAs on 300.  I don’t know how they work.  I don’t know the residents and what they need.  I don’t know.  I don’t know.  I don’t know………and I don’t like to not know.

I became immediately frustrated as I couldn’t find the CNAs down 300.  Where did they go?  Why would they just walk away from their job?  I know they’re here somewhere.  So I searched every room.  All the closed doors…..but that’s the thing.  Closed doors on 400 means care is being given.  There is either a CNA or Nurse in with the resident.

On 300, its a different story.  A closed means the resident wants privacy, or the resident is going to the bathroom, or the resident is sleeping and every door I opened was one of these scenarios.

As I awkwardly searched for the CNAs on the wing, I started to panic.  I have social anxiety and anxiety in general too.  Changing things in the midst of just figuring out things is not how I wanted today to be.  I wanted to walk in and do what was expected of me and bond with the residents I’ve grown to love and understand.  That love and understanding was replaced by madness, frustration and fear.  I feared they were going to take me off of 400 and I be a permanent placement in 300.  I don’t want that to happen.  I don’t want to be a float.  I wanna learn my hall like the back of my hand.

Two hours after awkwardness and deer in headlights moments, it was time to leave.  I took a Lorazepam on my way home, knowing that how I was dealing with this was typical Heidi style…..to obsess about it.

I was seething. I thought that everyone in 400 wanted me to stay in 300 cause they didnt like having me around, that I slow them down and I’m not very funny and im too serious and slightly too professional.

Self-loathing…..it couldn’t have been that they just needed me on 300 for the time being, it was the worst cataclysmic thing that could happen…..that everybody hated me and they wanted to screw me because I was late and they think I’m incompetent……Damn brain!  You got me again….

But thank you Lorazepam for bringing back the clarity……

The day was a learning experience.  I want to work with people that need me.  Not just for little things like getting a drink of water or calming them down because they can’t breathe.  I want to help the dependent.  I want to help those that can’t help themselves.  That is my honor.  That is my creed.

Welcome Home.

I am still unaware how this thing is set up.  I will figure it out as I go along like I do most things.  I am Heidi.  Nurse assistant by day.  “Hippie” by night.  No, that does not mean I smoke pot and do acid on the weekend while listening to Pink Floyd and Janis Joplin.  Although, i do have an affinity toward Bob Marley and his reggae counterparts… most of which being his cousins or kids lol.  I don’t brush my hair as much as I should.  I don’t wear much makeup.  I like floaty long baggy clothes.  I eat fairly healthy and enjoy the natural side of life.  I love being outside in my cotton panties basking in the sun of spaghetti melons.

I decided to write this blog because I need a writing outlet.  I have recently given up on the idea of becoming a fashion designer/interior designer/web designer/artist for the more practical and ultimately fulfilling field of nursing. Welcome to my blog.